As someone who hopes to be in the same position as all of you one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am for you. In deciding to begin—or expand—your family, the journey you’re about to embark on will be an emotional one that you’ll never forget, but of course there’s still a great deal of decisions to be made. Does the city you live in have decent schools for your child? How financially prepared are you for any unprecedented medical expenses? Even what color to paint the bedroom will be something to deliberate, but there is one decision that will always be at the top of the list: adopting independently/via an agency, or through state foster care.
While all three of these options are popular—as opposed to international adoption, which has been declining over the last few years —the first two are especially more so than the third. My cousins and I can attest to this given the fact that as adoption consultants, a large majority of their cases are with pregnant mothers and therefore newborn infants. They however are outliers, with all of their adopted children having originally been foster children. But why is that the case? Private adoption is consistently more expensive than foster care adoption, so why do so many prospective parents choose the former over the latter? That’s right: everyone loves a baby. And there’s nothing wrong with that either! From watching them take their first steps to hearing their first word, there’s an endless list to why babies, and subsequently private adoption, are the most sought-after, but what about those that don’t get adopted and grow up? What about those whose parents aren’t fit to take care of them for whatever reason, so they become a charge of the state until they turn eighteen? There are millions of children in foster care today just waiting for a family to not only be able to provide for them, but to truly want them, and they’ve got an endless list to match for reasons that foster care adoption is just as wonderful an opportunity to get a child, if not more so. |
Before we even get to the actual children, though, there’s plenty of information that ought to have you reading much more carefully. Remember that claim from earlier that private adoption is more expensive? Of course, it’s common knowledge, but not quite so common is the fact that when I say “more expensive”, I mean by tens of thousands of dollars. In 2013 the average total cost of adopting through an agency was approx. $40,000, and independently was only $6,000 less expensive. Compared to this, foster care adoption had an average total cost of approx. $2,700. That alone makes the gap between private and foster care adoption outrageous, but when you include the waiting times for each, the numbers get even worse.
Adoption is a long process and there’s no avoiding that. An agency can take up to 30 months before they can get you a baby, while foster care could take as short as one month or as long as five years depending on the birthparents’ situation. The difference, however, is that you are waiting for two very different things here. With private adoption, you are waiting for the actual child which you won’t have until they are not only born, but until a birth mother picks you to be the parent or parents. With foster care adoption, wait time is not even an issue, because you can become a foster parent almost instantly once you qualify. At that point, you already have your new child and all you are waiting for is a piece of paper that makes them yours in the eyes of the law, but technicalities such as that don’t matter to that child. What matters to them is that they have a place to call home and a family to welcome them back; and isn’t that the main reason for adopting in the first place?
| Just look at the story of Beth Ann, who at 17 years old had been in foster care her entire life until finally being adopted, and as a bonus was reunited with her siblings. She’d been waiting for years for a permanent family that she wouldn’t have to let go of like she had to with her siblings, and that wouldn’t let go of her. When it was finally given to her, she stopped struggling in school and was happier than she’d ever been, loving her new mother that took her in immensely. In the end, it’s not about knowing your child since birth, it’s seeing who they become with the love you give them. |
Of course, the drawback in this is that is you still want a baby as your adopted foster child, your chances of actually getting one will drop significantly. So why is this still a problem for people? When did age start to become a factor in how worthy a child is of having a family? Your love for a child doesn’t decrease as they get older; if anything, it increases. And that’s where the real reason comes to light: most people don’t adopt older children not because they won’t love them as much, but because they are afraid that the child will not grow to truly love them.
The most important thing you could learn from this is that that fear is completely unnecessary. When you deliberately choose an older foster child to be your own over a newborn, they feel that choice more deeply than anything. That choice you make is a sign to that child that they are wanted and loved more so than they probably ever have been in their life so far, and while it won’t always be easy—since raising a child never is—children will always give back ten-fold of what they receive.
When the time comes for you to decide between a baby and an older child, I know you’ll have to do what’s best for your family. I know that whoever you bring home will be very lucky to have you, and if it’s a baby, look forward to the feeling of their hand holding on to your finger and not wanting to let go. But if decide on a foster child, then look forward to sharing your bed with them on stormy nights because they finally don’t have to push through them alone, to being looked at as a hero before you even have to get rid of the monsters in the closet, and thankfully, to not having to worry about potty training. But most of all, look forward to not having to wait a few years before you get to hear your child say “I love you”. I hope all goes well for you and that your family grows together with fun, happiness, and unconditional love. Anna |